#2 - The World Is on Tape Delay

Satellites have given humans the amazing ability to communicate instantly with anyone at anytime. It's also revolutionized the way we consume news and entertainment. Want to know the score of the soccer game between AC Milan and Juventus? Turn on the television. Want to see someone whose hair grayed prematurely? Watch Anderson Cooper. We can even watch pandas create and then proceed to roll in giant piles of feces if we so choose.

But the same privilege isn't extended to all programming or locations. During the 2008 Olympics, people in the Mountain and Pacific Time Zones didn't get to watch Michael Phelps make history until three hours after it happened. Saturday Night Live suffers a similar fate, with half of the country getting to digest Tina Palin while the other half of the country is stuck with Law & Order reruns.

Where technology fails, more technology comes to the rescue. If you like to consider yourself as "in the know," it might be wise to develop a plan to watch life as it happens on the East Coast.
1. Purchase a SlingBox, or similar device, through any fine electronics retailer. Remember that you'll also need a computer near a television that is capable of streaming video over the Internet.
2. Hook up the system at a friend's or relative's house, notifying them it will help "keep you in the know" on local news, sports and events. Don't neglect to mention the possibility of screening home movies over the Internet for you to watch, but are always too busy to.
3. Once arriving in your new location, quickly establish a social network centered around your favorite television shows. For maximum effect, pick shows with large followings or frequent live airings.
4. Arrange a happy hour or dinner the evening of the airing of said shows. Be sure to pick a time that is about 2 hours before your time zones scheduled airing.
5. Watch the television show before meeting your acquaintances for dinner. At dinner, don't hesitate to spark a conversation about that evening's episode. Mention that you had an "advance screening" of the episode, and give a quick opinion of the episode with a signature rating system, such as LOLcats or actresses that Derek Jeter has slept with.
6. Don't forget to text message all of your friends with that night's rating. If necessary, give a quick preview such as "Jim's newest prank on Dwight is a can't miss!" Include your signature rating system.

Eventually, your social circle will come to rely on you for teasers, ratings, and finding out if a new episode is airing. This will give you immense power and people will begin to respect your opinion on things outside of the world of entertainment. Within a year, you'll be easily elected to a leadership position on a condo board, employee concerns committee, or the PTA.