#2 - The World Is on Tape Delay

Satellites have given humans the amazing ability to communicate instantly with anyone at anytime. It's also revolutionized the way we consume news and entertainment. Want to know the score of the soccer game between AC Milan and Juventus? Turn on the television. Want to see someone whose hair grayed prematurely? Watch Anderson Cooper. We can even watch pandas create and then proceed to roll in giant piles of feces if we so choose.

But the same privilege isn't extended to all programming or locations. During the 2008 Olympics, people in the Mountain and Pacific Time Zones didn't get to watch Michael Phelps make history until three hours after it happened. Saturday Night Live suffers a similar fate, with half of the country getting to digest Tina Palin while the other half of the country is stuck with Law & Order reruns.

Where technology fails, more technology comes to the rescue. If you like to consider yourself as "in the know," it might be wise to develop a plan to watch life as it happens on the East Coast.
1. Purchase a SlingBox, or similar device, through any fine electronics retailer. Remember that you'll also need a computer near a television that is capable of streaming video over the Internet.
2. Hook up the system at a friend's or relative's house, notifying them it will help "keep you in the know" on local news, sports and events. Don't neglect to mention the possibility of screening home movies over the Internet for you to watch, but are always too busy to.
3. Once arriving in your new location, quickly establish a social network centered around your favorite television shows. For maximum effect, pick shows with large followings or frequent live airings.
4. Arrange a happy hour or dinner the evening of the airing of said shows. Be sure to pick a time that is about 2 hours before your time zones scheduled airing.
5. Watch the television show before meeting your acquaintances for dinner. At dinner, don't hesitate to spark a conversation about that evening's episode. Mention that you had an "advance screening" of the episode, and give a quick opinion of the episode with a signature rating system, such as LOLcats or actresses that Derek Jeter has slept with.
6. Don't forget to text message all of your friends with that night's rating. If necessary, give a quick preview such as "Jim's newest prank on Dwight is a can't miss!" Include your signature rating system.

Eventually, your social circle will come to rely on you for teasers, ratings, and finding out if a new episode is airing. This will give you immense power and people will begin to respect your opinion on things outside of the world of entertainment. Within a year, you'll be easily elected to a leadership position on a condo board, employee concerns committee, or the PTA.

#1 - The Snow Miser Lives

Snow is the peaceful form of winter weather. Instead of the carnage that comes from ice storms or the sting caused by sleet, snow slowly drifts towards its landing spot causing nary a sound. Snow is also heavily associated with the holiday season, as Bing Crosby dreams of a "White Christmas" and "Frosty the Snowman" reminds viewers of the Christmas spirit. Kids and adults alike even partake in creating snow angels.

But do not be deceived. Not all places consider snow to have a divine origin. In fact, in some locations, it is more akin to the work of the devil (AKA "The Snow Miser).

A good 50 percent of the country deals with snow on a yearly basis. In response, cities have developed elaborate transportation plans (namely, snow plows). It is also common practice to act like a horny Labradoodle and mark your territory with an ice-melting cocktail that would make Amy Winehouse blush.

But what happens when it is five degrees below freezing, therefore too cold to use de-icing chemicals? Two days after the snow fell, this still occurs:


Regardless of where you're relocating to, simple steps can be taken to proclaim regional pride while preparing for the arrival of snow.
1. Use the National Weather Service to determine how much snow a city receives on an annual basis. When the city receives less than 10 inches a year, but more than 5 (like this city or this state), prepare for chaos.
2. When the forecasters begin to predict winter weather, proudly tell your coworkers "Back home, we don't even call it a winter storm until there's a substantial risk of losing your car in snow drifts."
3. While everyone else is buying bread and milk the night before the storm hits, spend the evening jogging through the neighborhood "because the cold air refreshes your lungs" and it reminds you "so much of home."
4. The next morning, make an unnecessary trip to the grocery store to pick up some "luxury items." When checking out, request someone to help you the items to your car and express disgust that they're "a little shorthanded due to the storm." Give a mini-lecture about how people back east only miss work when there's more than two feet of snow on the ground.
5. If you rear end someone on the way home, blame everyone but yourself for the accident, including the city's public works department, the other driver for "driving too cautiously," and the meteorologists for "blowing things out of proportion." Refuse to exchange insurance information until a law enforcement officer arrives so that the city can "hear your concerns and expertise."

Don't become discouraged at your new location's inexperience with winter weather. After a couple of season's you'll be fully acclimated to the different weather culture. But don't forget your upbringing, because global warming may soon produce another Ice Age, making cold weather survival skills an important commodity in post-apocalyptic Earth.